Cancer is a word that we can barely whisper
Most people don't
want to talk about
it
much at all.
It is usually those
of us
in a personal battle
with cancer
who want to talk
about it.
Our family &
friends are often
at a loss for words.
Even though they
love us,
they tip toe around
us
blindly searching
for an answer.
It is difficult
for them to realize
that maybe this
time
we are too broken
for them to *fix*.
We, on the other
hand,
have learned that
cancer
is a fierce enemy
that shouts obscenities
at us with no mercy
from the moment
we are given the diagnosis ~
CANCER
This is when
we most need
to face our fears.
We need to talk
about it.
We all need to be
able
to say it out loud
before we can conquer
it.
What we resist persists.
What we are willing to face disappears.
Talking about it
pulls the negative
emotion
from the inside
and places it on
the outside
where we are better
equipped
to deal with it.
One of those emotions
is fear.
Fear is the opposite of faith.
Fear is the lack of faith.
We need faith to survive.
You probably think
that
finding a web page
about cancer survival
on a web site about
Labradors
is pretty depressing.
Well, yes, the cancer
part
is pretty depressing,
but the survival
part
is what I want
to share with you.
I was diagnosed
in 1990 with oral cancer.
I was terrified.
I could not find
one person
with the same type
of cancer
that I could talk
with.
My family and friends
were
very loving and
supportive,
but really didn't
know
what to say to
me.
I was always the
strong, independent one.
I was the rescuer.
I was the nurturer.
I was the one who
fixed everything
whether they wanted
it fixed or not.
I desperately needed
to talk with someone
who could tell
me
they survived oral
cancer
and understood
my fears.
I needed them
to share their
stories with me.
I thought maybe
they could offer
me
the one survival
tool
that no one else
could.
I was searching for HOPE.
I just wanted
to meet
one person
who could say ~
"I am an oral cancer
survivor"
I had so many questions.
Could they speak?
Could they eat?
What was was their
prognosis?
I was diagnosed
between Christmas
and New Years.
Perfect *Murphy's
Law*.
I had what I thought
was an ulcer on
my tongue.
It was just a small
tiny white dot
but it was
very painful.
The first time,
I remember feeling
the pain
was while eating
at a Chinese restaurant
after my son's
graduation
from basic training
in South Carolina.
As soon as I returned
home,
I made an appointment
with my family
physician.
My Dr. wasn't sure
what it was.
He treated me for
two months
with antibiotics.
On my 4th visit,
he was very concerned.
I was shocked
when he said,
"I think it's time
you saw an oral surgeon".
"For what????"
"You need a biopsy"
Okay, you would
think that word
would have frightened
me.
It didn't.
I don't know
if it was arrogance
or faith
but I really couldn't
imagine
anyone telling
ME
that I had CANCER.
I had the biopsy
two days before Christmas.
The pain from the
biopsy
was excruciating.
In spite of the
pain,
I was the only
one in my family
with any
Christmas spirit
that year.
My family put on
a brave front
but I could see
the fear in their
eyes.
They were only
going
through the motions.
I could almost hear
them
thinking out loud
"Will this be the
last Christmas
we will have with
her?"
The day before New
Years,
I went back
to the oral surgeon
for the biopsy
results.
I remember thinking,
I would be
so HAPPY
to get this over
with
so my life
can get back to
normal.
I still had no fear.
Amazing!
My sense of immortality
was shattered
on that day.
My ex husband,
who was my husband
at the time,
drove me to the
appointment.
I was laughing &
joking
and he was very
pale
and unusually quiet.
I ask him if he
wanted me to drive
because his hands
were trembling.
He told me he thought
he was getting the flu.
I saw right through
it.
After sitting in
the waiting room
for what seemed
like forever,
the nurse came
out to greet us.
She wasn't smiling
like she was a
week ago.
She offered my ex
husband
a forced smile.
She wouldn't look
at me at all.
When she finally
did ~
all I felt was
her pity.
While I was trying
to
analyze her behavior,
the Dr. appeared
and ask me to follow
him.
He looked at my
ex husband,
put his arm around
him and said ~
"I think you better
come with us".
Okay, time to worry...here
comes the bad news.
I had a lump in
my throat
the size of Texas
and I wanted to
cry.
I could not believe
this could be happening.
As I sat in the
chair,
I glanced at the
Dr.
He was moving his
head
up and down
as if to say ~
"yes, it is......"
to my ex husband.
They both had tears
in their eyes.
That was the exact
moment
fear took up residence
in my body.
It is something
that you never
forget.
Dr. Jergunson,
my oral surgeon,
took my hand into
his
and said the *C*
word
very softly ~
"Yes, it's cancer"
It sounded like
CANCER
CANCER CANCER CANCER
CANCER,CANCER,CANCER
to me.
The word echoed
and grew larger
until I felt as
if
my brain would
explode.
Then it permeated
every cell of my
body.
All I could hear,
see, touch, or
smell
was CANCER.
CANCER and DEATH
It took me a few
minutes
to come to terms
with reality.
I had a cancerous
tumor.
It was under my
tongue.
God, help me.
I don't like this
reality ~
it's much too real.
The tiny white dot
turned out to be
only a symptom
of that.
The real problem
was much bigger.
I fought back my
tears.
I wanted
to go home.
I always felt SAFE
at home.
Now cancer
was going to live
at MY house.
God, help us.
I reasoned that
if
I was going to
die
I had better get
busy.
I had alot to do
to get ready.
It was such a strange
feeling.
My entire body
went numb
and at the same
time
my mind was creating
a mental "to do"
list
with a zillion
"to do's"
The Dr. had other
plans.
My oral surgeon
had already taken
the liberty
of making an appointment
for me
immediately with
a surgeon.
His office was
about 4 blocks away.
On the way there,
my husband
literally stopped
the car
in heavy traffic,
put his head on
the steering wheel
and sobbed.
I observed
all the people
rushing
to buy gas or pull
into McDonald's.
Everyone seemed
to have
somewhere to go.
How could life just
go on like that now?
I got very ANGRY.
I felt like shouting
"What is wrong
with you people?"
"DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT I AM DYING??"
I got angry and
I stayed angry.
I allowed no one
in my presence
to have a single
negative thought
about me.
This was easier
said than done.
I was not very nice
about it.
I was fighting
for my life.
I believe it helped
me to survive.
Before the cancer,
in addition to
breeding Labradors,
I also was employed
as
a geriatric recreational
therapist.
I had taken many
classes on death and dying.
I knew the stages
of grief well.
Denial, Anger, Acceptance.
I either flew
right past denial
to the anger mode
or combined
all three stages
real fast.
There was no denying
that I was angry
and I had already
accepted the fact
I didn't want any
part of this.
My surgeon, Dr.
Callaghan
was my strongest
ally.
He told me point
blank from day one,
"Sherry, cancer
is an aggressive disease."
"We must always
be more aggressive."
I never lost site
of those words.
Two days later,
I underwent 15
hours of surgery.
I will spare you
all
the details here.
I would be more
than happy
to share any part
of
my cancer experience
if you would like
to talk to me.
Long hospital stay,
long recovery,
30 radiation treatments,
60 hyperbaric treatments,
10,000 prayers,
100,000 tears.
I still have occasional
problems
but by the grace
of God
here I am.
They say I will
be fine
if they can continue
to control it
from the neck -
up.
That's comforting
if I am not opposed
to brain tumors.
*smile*
I now have a big
problem
because my jaw
is deteriorating
from the radiation.
I deal with that
problem
one day at a time.
When I went into
surgery,
they did not know
if I would speak
again,
if I would need
a feeding tube
the rest of my
life,
or if I would come
out of surgery
alive at all.
I also have a weak
heart.
That problem
was now considered
a minor inconvenience
I was no longer
just in a battle.
I was now in a WAR
with a much more
powerful enemy.
I will remember
the trip to the
hospital
as long as I live.
When we drove out
of the driveway
and I looked back
at our home.
I felt I was saying
goodbye.
When I passed a
lovely old farm that I love,
I felt I was seeing
it
for the last time.
I missed my dogs
tremendously already.
The petty thoughts
came too.
Did I remember to
refill the ice cube trays?
I stared at my husband's
face
and wondered if
he would remarry.
Part of me hoped
he would find someone
quickly
so he wouldn't
be alone
and part of me
hated him
for being able
to go on without
me.
I stared at his
hands.
I thought, God,
I will miss his hands.
They always looked
so large compared to mine.
They were strong
& comforting to me.
I thought about
my children.
I relived several
moments of their childhoods.
I grieved for the
grandchildren
I would never know.
I had so much I
wanted to teach them.
At that moment,
I thought I might lose my mind.
I was so full of
fear I could barely breathe.
Cancer had convinced
me
that I was going
to die.
I said a silent prayer.
I put my life in God's hands.
I have never looked back.
I am going to share
something here
that I have only
shared
with cancer patients.
When I felt the
fear engulf me
during my recovery,
I would look in
the mirror
and SPEAK to the
CANCER.
I said, "Cancer,
you can't have me."
If you have never
been faced
with a serious
illness,
you may not fully
understand this.
I know that those
of you
who are in this
battle
will know exactly
what
I am talking about.
And it is those
of you
in this battle
now
who are afraid
to confront the fear
that I want to
reach
most of all.
One day when I verbally
confronted the cancer,
cancer confronted
me back.
Cancer said "Sherry,
You are mine and you will die"
I said, "Oh NO,
cancer ~
I am a child of
GOD and you can't have me."
Cancer spoke so
confidently ~
"And what makes
you think that
you can fight me
and win?"
"Just look at yourself"
"You can barely
walk"
"Look at the scars"
"No one can understand
a word you say"
You are WEAK and
UGLY and PATHETIC."
All of a sudden
a HOLY ANGER
rose up inside
of me
and I said ~
"Because ~
I CAN CONQUER ALL
THINGS
through Christ
Jesus
who loves me"
"I AM COVERED IN
HIS BLOOD"
I was SHOUTING AT
CANCER.
I don't even know
where those words came from.
I don't remember
ever having the
thought
to say them.
They came from somewhere
deep within.
Those words made
cancer tremble.
Never again did
I live in fear.
Cancer was now afraid
of ME.
That was the last
time
I have ever been
afraid
of cancer.
If I can only get
one message across,
it would be this
~
FIGHT YOUR FEAR.
Let the medical
people deal with the cancer.
Use your energy
to conquer your fear.
It's not easy, believe
me, I know that.
If you are ready
to give up,
try to pray for
strength
just one more time.
You can't allow
fear
to rob you
of your faith.
Build up your faith
in every way you
can.
Find what it is
that inspires you.
Then saturate yourself
in it
body, mind &
spirit.
Once the fear is
gone,
you will be filled
with faith.
That
is where miracles are born.
As you can see,
I survived.
I now have a speech
impediment.
I am very fortunate
that I can speak
at all.
My tongue was reconstructed
by
using skin grafts
from my leg.
I had to attend
therapy
to learn how to
speak
and also how to
eat.
I eat mostly dessert.
Most of my taste
buds are gone.
The only things
I can really taste are sweets.
It's great actually.
I can eat an entire
cake by myself
and never gain
an ounce.
The radiation therapy
messed up my metabolism.
I had to give up
my work as a recreational
therapist
I dearly loved
my job
but it involved
nonstop talking
on my part
to elderly people
who are for the
most part
hard of hearing
so it just wasn't
possible.
I still do pet therapy
at the geriatric
center
where I worked
but I still miss
my job.
I know first hand
the benefits of
healing
one gains from
interaction with
pets
when faced with
illness & loneliness.
My dogs played a
huge role
in my healing process.
For that,
I am forever in
their debt.
I miss alot of things
but I have gained
far more
than I have lost.
I have been blessed
with several precious grandchildren.
Kelsey
Legend
Emily
Lauren
Tyler....Our
miracle baby
In the womb,
Tyler was thought
to have Downs Syndrome
and Drs. detected
a hole in his heart...
Praise God....
Tyler was born
completely healthy.
McKenna
Serenity Rose
And our most recent
blessing....
Savannah Grace
Danielle is ecpecting
another baby girl late July, 2008.
Her name will be
Zoey Madison
God has been so
good to me.
One of the reasons
I wanted to share
this with you
is so you will
understand
why I rarely speak
on the phone.
I do speak to family
& friends
but I am very self
conscience
when it comes to
speaking by phone
to people who do
not know me.
It is much more
comfortable for me in person .
Eric handles all
the business phone calls.
I'm just the email
person.
Another reason I
wanted to share this with you,
is to tell you
what I have learned.
The only thing that
matters in this life is LOVE.
Who you love, how
you love,
when you love,
why you
love, WHAT you
love.
Especially, the
what you love.
It is pretty scary
when we stop and
look at
WHAT we are putting
our energy into
loving.
LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
I've learned that
I am responsible
in many ways
for my cancer.
It is a lesson that
I called to myself
because I needed
the experience
it would provide.
God is creator.
We are created
in God's image,
so that's what
we do also ~
We CREATE.
We create with
every thought,
every word,
every deed.
Everything we say,
think or do
has creative energy.
I have learned
to be very careful
about what I am
creating
in my life.
I've learned that
*love of self*
is not selfish.
It is necessary.
We are made in God's
image.
To dishonor self
is to dishonor God.
I've learned that
there is a BIG
difference
between religion
and a relationship
with God.
Spirituality is
WHO you are
at your very core.
Cancer has a way
of teaching you
*WHO YOU ARE*.
When I tell people
that puppies are
a gift from God,
I am speaking from
my heart.
All of life is a
precious gift.
I am a gift to you,
you are a gift
to me,
we are all precious
gifts
for one another
and we need to
celebrate that
every day we are
here.
None of us will
be here forever.
I've learned that
everything we do
in this life
is motivated by
one of two
very different
things.
We are either motivated
by fear
or we are motivated
by love.
There is nothing
in between.
We face fear every
day
in ordinary day
to day situations.
We can accomplish
anything
once we conquer
our fears.
I've learned that
*intent*
is just as important
as the action.
Sometimes more
~
Before I close,
I would like tell
you
about one of my
angels.
When I had my near
death experience,
(another story
for another time)
I was told that
I would be sent
a very special
angel.
After 25 years of
marriage,
I found myself
divorced,
alone, and running
this business
all by myself.
I decided I needed
a kennel manager.
I hired Eric.
One day, several
months later,
after my 45th
crisis for the
day,
Eric smiled at
me
when I thanked
him,
for taking care
of
all my problems.
Then he winked
at me and said ~
"You know I'm your
angel, don't you"?
I just smiled and
said,
"Yes, I know".
I had never
shared my NDE with him.
*My Angel &
Me*
Thank
you for taking the time
to read about
my personal journey.
If you ever need
someone to talk
with,
if oral cancer
~
or any serious
illness
is the path
you find yourself
walking,
please contact
me.
I'd love to help
you find your way.
Remember,
with God, we never walk alone.
I now have a new
gift to offer you.
It was given to
me to share with you.
That gift is HOPE.
Sometimes, it's
all we have.
Many times it is
all we need.
For those of you
in good oral health
~
Please ask your
dentist
if he is doing
a complete oral exam
at every check
up.
It is his job.
If he isn't ~
find a new dentist.
If that doesn't
work ~
see an oral surgeon
instead.
Almost forty thousand
oral cancers
are diagnosed yearly,
half of those people
die in five years!
I could have lost
my chin, my lips, my jaw,
my tongue, or most
of my face.
Just imagine, no
eating, no speaking,
disfigured beyond
belief,
never kissing those
you love.
I've been truly
blessed!
Update:
In April of 2007,
Oral cancer once
again reared it's ugly head.
I underwent extensive
sugery
which left me with
an even worse speech impediment
than I had from
the first surgery.
I am now unable
to eat or drink at all
and I will have
a feeding tube
for the rest of
my life.
It has been a long,
hard road back
but by the grace
of a loving heavenly Father,
truly gifted
surgeons, compassionate nurses,
and the love and
support of many, many people...
I am still here
- enjoying each day and going strong.....
And for those of
you out there
suffering grief
from
the loss of a loved
one ~
Let me assure you
that death is nothing more
than a magnificent,
beautiful
blessed journey
HOME.
Journey well my friends
May you find both
comfort & joy along the way.
*Sherry*
A special thank you to my son, Matthew
and my daughter
Danielle.
You have both greatly
enhanced my journey.
I
LOVE YOU
*Danielle &
Baby Serenity*
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